The Jerk Theory
by Mrs. Killian Jones pureblood
Summary: (CS:Based off of the movie "The Jerk Theory".) Killian Jones is the Not-So-Average Jerk, and Emma Swan is the average girl who is So-Totally-Through-With-ALL-Jerks. There's only one problem: Killian has his eye on Emma, and, well, as the Jerk Theory CLEARLY states: Jerks are Irresistible.
1. Killian Jones: Jerk

**_Anything you recognize does not "technically" belong to me... Drats._**

_The Jerk Theory:_

_(A theory, often proven correct time and time again, that) Girls don't __**really **__want the nice guys. Nice guys are just too... nice. Soft, and mellow. Like a pillow! Or doormat. Doormat is good. After all, they get the same treatment as nice guys._

_Girls want a jerk. Someone who tells it to them straight, who don't mind getting a little dirty to get what they want, ESPECIALLY if what they want is you. Dirty is irresistible._

_Jerks are dirty, so jerks, by connection, are irresistible. _

**_Super irresistible. _**

* * *

**~Two Years Ago~**

Killian walks up to the door. The door that opens into the house of his girl. The girl of his dreams.

_Milah. _

He knocks, coughs into his hand, and smiles, holding a beautiful white corsage.

The door flies open, to reveal Milah gracefully descending the steps, smiling at him, and it's so perfect, she's so perfect, this moment is so perfect and his smile widens in admiration and -dare he say it- love for this perfect girl and she's smiling back and-

"Ah, hey bro!"

..._Neal?!_

What is _Neal _doing here?!

Milah gasps -like she hadn't seen him right in front of her and _smiled _at him. "Oh, Killy, didn't you get my text?"

Killian feels his mouth open and close, like a poor fish, drowning in oxygen.

She smiles sympathetically. "Well, Neal and I were nominated King and Queen, so I just thought it made sense to go with him!" She smiles up and Neal, who grunts and smirks at Killian.

_I am __**not **__a drowning fish, I am __**not **__a drowning fish, ah, Neptune, I'm a drowning fish._

_"_Oh, don't worry, Killy!" Milah says brightly. "I realized that the text was terribly short notice, so I arranged for Regina to go with you!"

Milah's eighth grade sister, retainers and bony elbows and all, shows up at Milah's side, and gives a forced smile.

Needless to say, the corsage dropped to the porch floor, as Killian the fish continued to drown.

This is the day that Killian Jones: Nice Guy, realizes that it is time to become every girl's dream come true.

Killian Jones: Jerk.

* * *

**T'sup.**

**Hahaha just kidding. I'm not fly. I'm a fangirl. I don't even know what fly ****_is._**

**Anyhoo, I saw Jerk Theory for the first time in forever today, and as I was watching, I kept thinking, "Holy crap, I swear this is Emma and Hook."**

**So I decided, WHAT THE HEY?! HECK YEAH I WILL WASTE MY SUMMER ON FANFICTION!**

**So I will!**

**I hope you enjoy it, and just for clarification and sanity's sake, the family relations from the show are NOT accurate to the story, so Milah dating Neal isn't incest, I swear.**

**Thoughts?**

**Concerns?**

**Sudden and Not Well Thought Out Desires to donate millions of dollars to a little charily called "Me"?**

**Have a lovely day Munchkins :)**

**Hugs and Kisses,**

**~Mrs Killian Jones: Pureblood.**


	2. OK

**_Anything you recognize does not "technically" belong to me... Drats._**

_The Jerk Theory:_

_(A theory, often proven correct time and time again, that) Girls don't __**really **__want the nice guys. Nice guys are just too... nice. Soft, and mellow. Like a pillow! Or doormat. Doormat is good. After all, they get the same treatment as nice guys._

_Girls want a jerk. Someone who tells it to them straight, who don't mind getting a little dirty to get what they want, ESPECIALLY if what they want is you. Dirty is irresistible._

_Jerks are dirty, so jerks, by connection, are irresistible. _

**_Super irresistible. _**

* * *

**~Present Day: College Freshman Year~**

"I did everything for her," Killian Jones says to the camera in David Nolan's hands. "And she dumped me for Neal Cassidy."

He gives an overly dramatic sigh, and David smiles. "After that painfully long and lonely year, and I realized that girls didn't respond to the nice guy, well, I'd be the jerk! I feel like it is not only my privilege, but my _duty _to impart my wisdom to all "the nice guys"." He raises a dark brow and winks. "It's only good form."

"Aaaaaannddd... cut!" David shouts, earning a few odd looks from the people in the bar. He looks up and grins. "That's a wrap, buddy." Handing his camera to August, he grabs the black guitar on the wall and shoves it to Killian. "Kill 'em, Jones."

Killian smirks. "Always do."

...

After an energetic song telling the tales of being a jerk to please women, and more than a few predatory and appraising looks from some of the women themselves, Killian and David hang up their guitars, Archie trailing behind them, beaming at the women and winking.

The women lose interest quickly.

Once outside, Leory walks out and meets them. "Boys," he acknowledges gruffly.

"Hey, hey!" David says with a shoulder clap. "Coming out to say hello to your new headlining band?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You boys know I'd love to showcase you, but-"

"But what?" Killian asks, adrenaline still coursing through his veins. "You saw the crowd! They bloody loved us!"

Leroy silences him with a glare.

Standing at a meager four foot four, Leroy is not someone any sane person would want to cross. His gray hair and blue eyes don't fool anyone. He takes his coffee like his soul: black.

"See, boys, what we're looking for is a band with soul-"

Killian snorts and David nutters, "That's a bit hypocritical, don't you think?"

Another glare shuts them up, but doesn't erase the smirks.

Archie, desperate to be loved and admired by millions of people he would never know, says, "But you saw us out there, man! The crowd was going wild! We make hit songs!"

Leory continues to look at Killian and David. "No soul, no signature."

Seeing their downtrodden faces, Leroy's own face softens a bit. "How about a love song?"

Killian's blue eyes snap up. "I don't write that bloody kind of rubbish."

Leroy's hands go up in mock defense and he raises both of his eyebrows. "No soul, no sign."

And he's gone.

"Not all of us have feelings, you know!" shouts Archie, placing his hand on Killian's shoulder.

Turning to his cousin incredulously, Killian says, "Archie?"

"Yeah boss."

"Shut up."

"Ok."

* * *

**Hello dear Munchkins!**

**This would have been out sooner, but I got distracted by season finale song-crack vids.**

**Hilarious.**

**I couldn't even breathe. But such is the life of a fangirl, I suppose.**

**Anyway, next chapter we meet our heroine. **

**All magic comes with a price, and mine is the review box ;)**

**And welcome back to old friends. ;) You have been missed.**

**Hugs and Kisses,**

**~Mrs Killian Jones: Pureblood.**


	3. Thumbs Up

**_Anything you recognize does not "technically" belong to me... Drats._**

_The Jerk Theory:_

_(A theory, often proven correct time and time again, that) Girls don't __**really **__want the nice guys. Nice guys are just too... nice. Soft, and mellow. Like a pillow! Or doormat. Doormat is good. After all, they get the same treatment as nice guys._

_Girls want a jerk. Someone who tells it to them straight, who don't mind getting a little dirty to get what they want, ESPECIALLY if what they want is you. Dirty is irresistible._

_Jerks are dirty, so jerks, by connection, are irresistible. _

**_Super irresistible. _**

* * *

"What are you trying to say?!" The words are said incredulously, like maybe the speaker can't _quite _understand the situation.

Emma Swan stares at her barely five-second-ex in a mixture of exasperation and pity, and perhaps just a bit of sadness, because she'd fallen for it _again. _

"We're over, Neal. THAT is what I'm saying, ok?"

Neal scoffs, still not grasping the levity of the situation. "You can't do this! It's _Game day!"_

"Neal! Are you quite ready to come down, or do I need to send Ms French after you?"

Emma and Neal glance down -much to Emma's churning stomach's horror: she's terrified of heights- at the school Dean, Mr Gold. Physical Education is the one class Emma regrets taking, especially standing thirty feet above ground, holding on to a rope for dear life.

Emma looks back at Neal, then glares downwards pointedly. "Scared, Cassidy?"

Neal glares at her, then holds his hand out expectantly. "I'm gonna need that necklace back."

Emma scoffs, but panics internally. She really likes the Swan Necklace. Besides. It symbolizes, once again, that dating a jerk isn't worth the heartbreak.

"What, the Dollar Store Special?" She rubs it mindlessly. "Too bad. It's mine."

He gapes. "That necklace is real silver and real diamond!"

"Neal, I know you didn't get this is South Africa."

Finally turning to desperation, Neal points down at the impatient crowd of students below. "Do you know how many girls down there want me?"

"Probably the number you can count up to."

He smiles.

Emma leans forward, like she has a secret. "That number isn't very high."

Grabbing his rope, Neal starts downwards. "Fine! I don't need you, anyway."

"I know, Neal. You only need yourself."

"Accidentally" stepping on his fingers, Emma spins around and heads for the ladder down, ignoring August's appraising leer at her posterior.

* * *

"He wanted you to give back the necklace?"

"Yeah. He was a gem while he lasted."

"Well, what was his problem?"

"I just...I don't think he's ever been dumped before."

Sitting in the locker room, Emma pulls off her gym shorts while talking to Mary~Margaret.

Mary~Margaret is the nicest person Emma's ever met, and can't really understand how they became friends. A long time ago, Emma found a cat with a collar, telling the address and the name: Henry. Following GPS on her phone, she had tracked down a worried-sick Mary~Margaret, and the cosmos exploded, and the two girls never parted.

"I'm just..." Emma sighs. "I'm just tired of dating jerks, you know?"

Mary~Margaret laughs as she puts on some fresh mascara. "Oh, hon, I think I know."

Emma glances at her, taking in her slightly shorter skirt and carefully attended hair, and the fact that she was putting make up on at ALL should be a revelation. She grins. "Mhm, so, ah, where are you going after this?"

The petite brunette flushes, and continues to apply make up, humming some song under her breath, Disney, no doubt.

"Come on, M'n'M, who's the jerk you're taking out tonight?"

"Whale."

Emma laughs, and she continues to until Mary~Margaret joins her, right up until the bell rings.

They both stop laughing, terrified, and run out the door.

* * *

"One of my personal favorite side effects are STDs, which, as I'm certain most of you are well aware, are-"

The bells rings.

"Oh, thank the seas, we're free," Killian exhales as he, David, and Archie follow the crowd out the door.

David looks back at Mr Gold, who is watching them, trying to appear uninterested. "I've never been more disturbed." Glancing back at Gold, he lowers his voice and adds, "Plus, I think he's trying to sneak some advice off you."

Killian looks back, incredulous, at their professor and Dean, and cries, "That old crocodile?"

"Crocodile?" asks Archie.

"Have you _seen _his elbows?" David asks.

"Who in the seven seas would want him? Unless they're a bloody raving lunatic."

"Ms French," states David simply.

Killian and Archie turn to look at him, twin looks of horror etched upon their faces. "Why do you sound so calm, mate?"

David shrugs as they start to jog down the halls, pointedly ignoring Gold behind them. "Well, I believe that, well-"

"Anyone can _always _find love!" They join in for David's favorite phrase.

Killian grins, as they jog faster, Gold still hot on their trail. "Who's got your eye, mate?"

David flushes, and rubs at his blonde hair. He mumbles something incoherent.

"Louder, Davey, I can't quite hear you!" Killian sing-songs.

"Mary~Margaret."

"Ha! Well, mate, you've got to stop going on the blind dates Old Lady Lucas sets you up on."

David looks slightly offended. "I can't say no to my mom."

"Women don't want a man who doesn't take action. Take control!" He says this part generously loud, because Gold is old and can't hear all that well, probably. Stopping in front of their respective classrooms, side by side, Killian lowers his voice to be sincere for a friend. "Be yourself, and if that means being nice, then be nice, but try not to get hurt in the process." Smacking Dave's butt and ignoring his protest, he looks away to see Mr Gold scurrying down the hall, faster than an old man with a cane probably should.

Just about to open their doors, two fine specimens of female bolt past. Mary~Kate, or Mary~Jane, or something is one of them. Killian notices with a smirk that David's eyes widen, looking remarkably like a puppy dog, and follow the pixie like girl and she laughs openly with her friend. Suddenly, the smirk is wiped off Killian's face as he looks at the friend.

Flowing blonde hair, slightly curled. Piercing, emerald green eyes. Red leather jacket. He always has liked a lady in leather. Looking up, he sees David smirking at _him_, and hopes with all of his heart that he isn't drooling. Smirking back, and shrugging his shoulders, they yank their doors open and walk in just as the second bell rings.

* * *

"Miss Emma."

Emma stops and squeezes her eyes shut. She had hoped to sneak in late, unnoticed, but Ms French notices everything.

"Do you notice anything different between you and your classmates?"

"Their sitting and I'm standing?"

Ms French opens her mouth to reply, but is cut off by some platinum blonde in the corner. "Go easy on her today, Ms French. She just got dumped."

Emma's eyes narrow as the few people in her art class snicker. "I did not get _dumped._ **I** dumped."

The blonde shrugs, and examines her acrylic nails. "I heard Neal Cassidy saying today that he dumped her today 'cause she "wouldn't give out"."

Emma slams her books down on an empty desk, smirking when Blondie jumps in her seat.

Later on, Ms French gives her a silent thumbs up.

* * *

**Hello darlings.**

**Well, sorry that took so long, but this stupid thing called real life took over for a moment, and my oh my how i hate real life.**

**Well , I am exhausted, and tomorrow I must pretend to be a mannequin and waltz with an unsuspecting stranger, so I fear I must bid you adieu.**

**All magic comes with a price, and mine is the review box.**

**Hugs and Kisses and Silent Thumbs Up,**

**~Mrs Killian Jones: Pureblood.**


	4. Author's Note

**Hello Munchkins! I am really sorry to say this, but this story is just over for me. There are some bigger things I need to be working on right now, this is kind of time consuming, and, to be honest, this story isn't really that popular. The story is up for adoption, and you can use any and all of this story, just PM me or leave a review thing so I can follow your version, which will undoubtedly be better than mine. ;) **

**I really am sorry to see it go, but it was, well...too much guilt for my to know that I haven't updated for the few people that DO follow and fav, and I love you guys so much :) **

**Sorry dolls.**

**~Mrs Killian Jones Pureblood**


End file.
